Many of us met through the wonderful (and sweaty if you’re interacting with me) world of fitness. So with that in common, let me remind you of something:

Neither movement nor relationships should be complicated or painful when they are working correctly. But just like everything worthwhile we’re building, it’s important to remember that

Today, we visit Spring Cleaning our Relationships, part three of the five-part Spring Cleaning Series. Don’t worry, there are plenty of examples of relationships I needed to spend some time tidying up.

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According to Corporate Executive Chef Mayank Istwal, when the phone (or cameraman) eats first, it actually increases your enjoyment of the dish.

Episode 11 of Great Things took me to Musaafer, in Tribeca, a restaurant so beautiful that it makes you feel like you’ve walked into a palace. I was able to speak to owner Mithu Malik and Chef Mayanak about what went into the creation of the space and the dishes.

Musaafer was designed to showcase India in all it’s glory (something Malik says is hard to find outside of India) and wants to share what goes into this. They’re also not in the business of keeping secrets: scroll to the bottom of this newsletter to get the recipe for the Lychee Ceviche.

There are so many tidbits in this episode that stuck with me, especially when Chef Mayanak okayed my mixing of his perfectly plated ceviche saying, “If you don’t destroy the art, you’ll have no reason to create something new.”

Peruse Musaafer’s Instagram, website, or watch the Great Things episode below if you’re in the mood to drool.

You know I can’t talk about tidying up my personal life without talking about Nana, because of course, she had many lessons drilled into me regarding relationships. The first was that she would hold up her hand in front of me and say, “Maurice, you should have as many friends as fingers on your hand.” Usually, this was said because, in her opinion, I had too many friends.

But as a young kid, I didn’t get it. Why wouldn’t you want to have more friends? Why wouldn’t you want to have a friendly face everywhere you turn? It wasn’t until I got older that I really started to understand what she meant. She wasn’t talking about relationships; those can exist in varying degrees. She was talking about the people you pour your time and energy into. Having friends is not a bad thing, but it’s when you try to keep up with too many people and start losing meaningful connections that it becomes a bad thing.

Relationships are often the life force that keeps us going.  They are the people we go to for help, to vent, to celebrate, and for relaxation. Anything notable in our lives is usually punctuated by how we interact with those closest to us. But it’s not always a good and fulfilling interaction, and when we get held back from our Great Things (either intentionally or unintentionally) by the people around us, that’s when we need to reevaluate where we spend our time.

I’ve made so many missteps with how I handle relationships, and I bet I’ll continue to make more down the line. But nonetheless, they make for some good examples to share here.

The first place I look at in my relationships is whether the amount of time and energy I pour into someone is comparable to what they return. It’s not all straightforward; there is plenty of gray area. If Frankie isn’t making me breakfast every day like I do for him, I’m not going to cut him out of your life.  

There are plenty of relationships one might have that are clearly not balanced. It might look like you providing safety and security, while they provide stress relief or entertainment. But you should be getting something back that helps restore you. You run into danger when you’re the only person putting effort into the relationship. 

When I’m making efforts to provide someone with what they need or ask, but I’m being left with my own needs unmet, that’s when I need to reevaluate. 

For many years, I sacrificed personal relationships and professional development for a job because of things I was being promised. Late nights, early mornings (sometimes back-to-back) to pay my dues for promises of a promotion to a new role. I was expected to show up outside of work to feed the narrative and engage in things that didn’t serve me (and that I just didn’t want to do). You try being on the other end of that phone call of me telling Nana I had to skip out on seeing her again because of something frivolous I had to do.

The finish line, the role I had been working towards, kept getting farther and farther away. This wasn’t about professional development; I was being sold on something that was not going to happen.

What was this idea costing me? I could hold out hope that everything would change, even though there were no signs, or I could accept that the energy exchange was imbalanced and it was hurting the relationships that I found more important. I wasn’t gaining anything that made this worth it.

Your work is a relationship; it just might not look like your other ones. You perform a job, you receive compensation in return. If you aren’t meeting the requirements of your relationship, you’re in trouble. Shouldn’t the same be said for when your job is bleeding into your personal life? If the energy exchange is off, you’re not getting in return what you’re putting in.

What relationships leave you feeling disappointed? Those are usually the ones where the energy imbalance is faltering because there is something you’re yearning for.

Many of us recreate familiar relationship dynamics without realizing it, whether that be how we show up in relationships or the people we choose who reinforce old stories about ourselves. 

Where do I start with the patterns I’ve fallen into in my relationships? I’ve got a lot.

One of those is people pleasing. In my life, I’ve learned to name it and don’t find myself repeating it… as much. I just don’t want to tell someone no, and that costs me.

For many years, I tried to keep up with the people around me. I was at the beginnings of my fitness career and not financially stable. In NYC, it felt like you couldn’t leave the house without spending $100, and when I was with my friends, I didn’t want to be the one who wasn’t buying the drink, saying yes to the meal, or going to the event. I felt like I’d be the wet blanket who couldn’t hang. I was worried about how someone would receive that ‘no’… I was so caught up in how they were going to feel, versus what my pockets actually looked like, that I put myself in a shitty place. It was also because I didn’t know how to ask for help in the form of naming what we were doing was not filling my cup, it was draining my bank account, and creating a whole new level of stress.

This came to a head when one of my best friends at the time got married, and I couldn’t go to the wedding because I couldn’t afford it. I didn’t tell him this either. Of course, it had a huge impact on our friendship. I don’t know what he thought at the time, but it couldn’t have been good. My patterns of trying to keep up and being afraid of saying no impacted my relationship in a way I didn’t want them to.

If you remember what Dr. Jen said last week, you can’t worry about how someone else is going to respond to your boundaries or statements; that’s on them. If I had been able to let go of the fear of disappointment (something that is entirely a ME problem), I’d have been able to take that relationship to a new level. 

While that wedding changed a lot for me personally, since that time, I’ve fallen into the same pattern over and over again. But I’ve learned how to say no, and it is now one of my favorite words in my 40s. If someone can’t handle me saying no, I need to reevaluate the importance that the relationship has to me.

“Why are you punishing me?” Chances are, you’ve either said this or you’ve had it said to you when someone declared a boundary. But if boundaries are done right, they shouldn’t be seen as punishment.

A boundary is there to communicate clearly what is part of something. Fences define your property and whose lawn needs to be mowed by whom. Lanes mean that cars don’t drift into others or cause accidents. Stanchions at the airport, when you’re waiting in line for security, keep things orderly and efficient so you know who is next. Boundaries in relationships keep them healthy and sustainable. 

We can’t do or be everything for everyone at all times, as much as I’d like to try my hardest to be. But if I can’t clearly define how I’m showing up for someone, things are going to get pushed too far.

A friend of mine got engaged to someone I didn’t approve of. Personally, I did not feel like they were a good match, but he was happy, and I became resigned to the fact that I needed to accept it. I’ll show up to the wedding, I’ll call and congratulate him, but I will draw the line at standing up at the wedding to give a toast to their love. That feels inauthentic and pushes things into a realm I’m not comfortable with, and would result in something he wouldn’t be satisfied with. I won’t lie for him, but as his friend, I want him to be happy.

Now, if I said nothing about how I felt and proceeded to cut ties with him because I couldn’t establish a boundary that felt right for me, this would absolutely be punishment. If he doesn’t know the reasoning behind it, he just thinks I’m icing him out for no reason, and that’s when our relationship will start to get strained.

But boundaries can be harmful if they are used to inflict pain. Healthy boundaries communicate limits while still respecting the other person’s humanity. Harmful ones use distance, silence, or control as leverage.

If you or someone else has set a boundary, does it provide value to your relationship? Do you feel like things are better because of the line drawn in the sand? 

We weren’t really taught how we would need to make friends as adults. You learned as a kid what it meant to be a good friend and how to introduce yourself, but you were kinda everyone’s friend. As a kid, things weren’t as high-stakes (You like blue? I like blue! We’re made to be best friends!) and friendships came from the people you saw regularly; neighbors, classmates, extracurricular participants. You were friends for a reason or a season.

As things changed, you outgrew the people around you; it was nothing bad, you understood that you couldn’t keep up the same level of friendship when your common interests changed.

I’ve been in a relationship where the way we’d like our lives to look, the way we attack things, those became drastically different for the two of us, and it caused a lot of friction. Seeing myself needing to pivot away from who I was to make things work didn’t feel right, and I couldn’t ask them to do the same. That’s not fair for anyone.

As adults, we feel like we’ve failed when relationships end or when they transition to ones of less importance. You aren’t the same person you were a year ago, and neither is that person in your life. If you’re both growing, there could be a chance that you’re growing apart in opposite directions. Some will understand that, others won’t. The hard part is that there isn’t always a clear ending, things can fizzle out without a dramatic event, and that’s okay, too.

While some relationships require less of your focus, others need to be upgraded to receive more of an investment when you start to realize that those are the connections you need to strengthen.

My sister and I were very close growing up, but I didn’t agree with how she was living her life (hmmm, are we sensing a theme here that maybe this might be a me problem?). My disagreement caused us to drift apart for a period of time, before I realized that I didn’t need to be there to control her life; I needed to be there by her side while she lived it. From there, I poured so much more energy into our relationship and how I showed up. I started listening more than I lectured, asking what she needed instead of assuming I knew, and letting her make choices without treating them like verdicts on my own life. Over time, that shift from judgment to genuine support brought us closer than we’d ever been because I finally let our love matter more than my need to be right.

The evolution of relationships doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you were ignorant of what didn’t serve you. You’re constantly receiving new information that changes how you interpret everything in your life. If we weren’t growing or changing, then we’d be dead.

We can focus on everyone’s relationship with us until the cows come home and the treadmills stop turning, but they’ll get nowhere if we don’t work on ourselves first. If you haven’t found time to give yourself what you need, you’re not going to give anyone else what they need. You’ll grow resentful and start to drive wedges into your relationships.

If you made it this far, I’m sure you noticed themes in issues that occur in relationships, like the need to be right or the need to make everyone happy. I want to please all people, including myself! Being okay with getting things wrong or letting someone down is something I have to learn to accept because otherwise, I’m going to be attempting to white-knuckle things. For me, this part might actually be the hardest part of spring cleaning my relationships. Isn’t it true that we’re often ready to look at everyone else first before we’re willing to go inward?

Your relationships should not be causing you undue stress. There will always be challenges, but once you stop skirting around them and start working through them, you begin to understand where they fit best in your life. And just like that 25-pound dumbbell, what once felt impossible to carry becomes something you’ve grown strong enough to hold.But I’m perfect! What do I need to clean?!

Drop the broom, we’ve got better things to clean!

If you’re just in the mood for dipping your toe into the work, I get it, so let’s start small. I will say the same thing until I’m old and gray(er): small, tangible actions will build up over time to make something Great!

Your turn! Journal your answer, or if you find yourself sharing the progress of your Great Things on social, tag me at @greatthingswith_adrian so I can join in on cheering you along!

Bring the flavors of Musaafer home with their Lychee Ceviche, the perfect dish to make when you want something fun, fresh, and worth lingering over with a friend

(serves 4)

Lychee Marinade

Coconut Chaas

Chili Oil

Curry Leaf Oil

Assembly (makes 4)