Today’s newsletter comes on the other side of a lot of pain and difficult conversations. Ones that I am still in, because let’s be honest, the work never truly stops.

You don’t work out once and expect to be able to lift 200 lbs or run 10 miles. You don’t expect your goals to come after one session, so why would you take that same approach to fixing the patterns you fall into in your relationships?

Like anything worthwhile, we know that…

If you were forwarded this email, you can subscribe and join the Great Things Take Time Community to get content from me (and Frankie) every Wednesday.

Recently, I sat down with Vienna Pharaon, a licensed marriage and family therapist, national bestselling author of The Origins of You, and podcast host. So naturally, her expertise is the exact kind of thing this newsletter centers around. But before we dive into the interview, I want to give you insight into the areas of my past that are relevant to what we discuss. (Spoiler: it’s not my favorite sports team)

During my time with Vienna, I share something that you might recall me bringing up time after time: 

I don’t feel that I’m deserving of the good that comes to me. There are pieces of me that won’t be accepted by others. 

Makes total sense that being someone with a fear of never being good enough would get a job as a Peloton instructor. I guess it’s good to do 10 things a day that scare you…? So why do I have this fear?

In the above statement, I am clear with what’s happening: I am creating rejection before others can. I don’t have to worry about you not liking me if I’ve already decided that’s how you feel. It’s easier to prepare for the worst. It’s a pattern I fall into time after time. 

Vienna’s book, The Origins of You, examines the familial life one grows up in and how dysfunctions or wounds impact us as adults. We each have unique experiences in our lives that dictate how we show up in relationships and the patterns that we repeat. In fact, Vienna has a quiz you can take to figure out what your wound might be. (TAKE THE QUIZ HERE)

Like any one of you reading this, there isn’t just one experience that comes to mind that wounded me.

Perhaps my origin wound comes from the period of time when my grandmother kicked my mom, my siblings, and me out of her life. She didn’t like the man who became my father, and she thought the best way to draw the line in the sand was by cutting ties. (Later, she shared that this was because of the pain she had witnessed in other bi-racial relationships that she wanted to save my mother from.)

Or maybe it comes from not having a relationship with my biological dad or knowing where he is. I have memories of him being a suave and slick dude when he was around, but why didn’t he choose to stay around? Why didn’t he choose me?

I know I work too much because I’m scared of what could happen if I were to lose my job. My mother handled losing her job with such grace and determination, but could I? Could I measure up and set my ego aside? 

When I was in a position where I was supporting my family, I didn’t feel like I was doing a good enough job, but I was also vividly aware that no one checked in on me. There wasn’t a level of care that I was afforded because I had a job to do. Now, I expect that with all relationships, and as soon as I see it develop, I put up walls and shut people out to avoid re-living the same trauma.

After reading this book, I want to host a family book club where we read through this and talk about how we remember our past. I feel a type of way, but do my siblings? Does my mom? Where did I see something in a different angle than the rest of them? The answers to these might help strengthen our relationships as we learn how we each thing and the importance we put on anything.

Based on my time with Vienna, it’s clear that acknowledging a pattern isn’t enough; I actually have to DO something about it. In her interview (and in the book), she gently calls you out that the real healing doesn’t come from recognizing what you can approve upon and that healing isn’t always neat and tidy. Healing comes with consequences and means you might not get the outcome that you want. 

You have to be uncomfortable. You have to have the accountability to make changes based on what you learn. 

Ultimately, you have to be willing to risk something and understand that a relationship might end.

It’s no wonder I was fighting back tears during this interview. 

I can’t recommend Vienna’s book enough, and honestly, it’s the perfect pool/beach read to keep you from overheating. Why? Oh, because when a page rips your heart open, and you need a good cry, you can just jump in the water. Voila, refreshed both physically and emotionally. “No, I’m not sobbing over this book, I just have some sand in my eyes.”

Grab Vienna’s book, take her quiz, or connect with her on Instagram. She also offers individual and couples counseling in person in NYC or with virtual clients.

You can also listen on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. There’s no transcript for this one, with 48 minutes of deep conversation, you may as well read her book!

If you only pause to reflect on your life for one moment today, do it now.

If you haven’t already, I want you to take Vienna’s quiz. For me, this was another tool that is helpful with unlocking who I am and why I do what I do. Just like she shared (and how we all approach our workouts) one moment of realization does not fix everything. You will always be tweaking and building. The work is never done.

Your turn! Journal your answer, or if you find yourself sharing the progress of your Great Things on social, tag me at @greatthingswith_adrian so I can join in on cheering you along!

Because no matter what, there is always something to smile about.

Hopefully, this GT episode with DJ Monopoli will be released on the other side of a championship. Great Things Take Five? 🤞

More BTS from future episodes of Great Things at Chama Mama and Ayat.

From products I love, to routines I follow, to tips and tricks, I'm here to answer any questions you might have. Don't overthink it. If you want to know it, I'm sure someone else does, too.

Questions will be answered in upcoming newsletters