Recently, “two things can be true” is something that seems to pop up everywhere. Today’s newsletter is the perfect example of this, both with my own experiences and this week’s upcoming Great Things episode.

Personally, I’m beyond thrilled for what’s to come for my mother, but also worried about what this means for the future of our relationships and where life is headed. This conversation serves as a reminder for me that I’m not going to get things right the first time when it comes to being a good son. However, this is one thing I’m impatient about: I want to get things right the first time around. I’m ignoring the fact that, usually….

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The recent conversation regarding my journey to fatherhood invited some unexpected but welcome conversations surrounding the path to motherhood. One of those was with Yzette Lanier, PhD, Sexual and Reproductive Health Researcher, NYU Professor, and founder of Fully, who reached out to share her essay on the nuance of having a beautiful life, but still hoping to become a mother one day.

Her message sparked this week’s episode of Great Things, where, joined by Dr. Keosha Bond, EdD, MPH, Sexual Health Researcher, CUNY Professor, and director of The Love Project Lab, the two took time to discuss what it means to redefine what motherhood actually looks like. The grief of infertility. The pressure to want children. The weight of societal expectations. The silence around IVF, and what the people who love these women should better understand.

To hear more from them, check out Dr. Bond’s Instagram, Dr. Lanier’s Instagram, or Fully’s website, a platform dedicated to changing how we talk about, support, and understand women whose journeys to biological motherhood have unfolded differently than expected.

Stay tuned for the full-length video coming soon on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts

In our family, we’ve been counting down the days. Some of us can’t wait for what’s on the other end, others are hesitant, some of us are both. The countdown is for when my mom is fully retired, both from work and from her NYC life.

The mixed feelings are mostly mine; I am happy my mom is headed for retirement and a gentler city, but I don’t know how to feel about what is to come. My mother deserves a break and some rest. Before she met my dad, we lived in a one-bedroom apartment on 212th Street and Broadway. This was a woman who went back to college and was still continuing to work a full-time job while she took care of all three of us. She is a badass; there is nothing she can’t handle. She's done with the horns and the crowdedness that New York City is, and I'm excited that she gets the opportunity to finally close this chapter and start a new one.

If anything, I’m wary about how our relationship will change in the coming years. The first being that I’ve never lived more than an hour away from my mom. It’s usually been less as the crow flies, but you know that NYC traffic will turn a 30-minute drive into two hours. This means the planning required to see each other is less than if she lived anywhere else. 

Am I good at regularly seeing my mother and taking advantage of the close proximity? I think you can probably guess the answer to that. (No, the answer is no. I still have a lot to work on when it comes to actually prioritizing my priorities).

So that’s the first cause of worry: can I get my shit together to not let my relationship with my mother fall apart? Perhaps it might be better once she moves. Now, the proximity is something taken for granted. I know how easily I can see her, and there are plenty of days where it is as easy as it sounds. But like with everything in life, you have to plan and make time in your schedule for your priorities. 

With her moving out of the state, I’ll need to ensure I set aside time in my schedule to see her. If I don’t, I’m not going to accidentally be able to slip in a quick visit. Everything will need to be intentionally planned, which means my time with her can also be separated from my other responsibilities and I can fully focus on being present with her. Instead of a short visit disrupted by whatever is going on in my life, I can use my time with my mother as a refuge to deepen our connection and focus on what she needs from me.

The change could be good!

But while she’s headed down to North Carolina, which no doubt has a slower pace of life than NYC, I can’t help but be more protective of her. I’m farther away, so my response time is slower, and I have less ability to step in when needed. There are many happy memories of childhood vacations with my family, but North Carolina is also the first place I experienced blatant racism as a kid. No matter what happy associations I have with the area, they are still shrouded in the memories of being shot at because someone like me shouldn’t have been there. 

Whether or not you agree, this is a cause for concern for me; whether you think the world has changed for better or for worse, it speaks to a larger worry of mine: I’m too far away to help when needed. 

Transitioning from living in a NYC apartment with a super to a home where all the repairs can be more catastrophic and your sole responsibility worries me. My mother is a very capable woman, but the life she has known and lived for years will be a thing of the past. Change is difficult for any person, but I can imagine it might not be as easy for someone looking to slow down and relax as they age.

My mother is still young and vibrant in my eyes. I don’t believe she is in the twilight years of her life, not even close, but I do think our relationship may begin to change, and this is the thing that worries me the most. At this age, things can change in an instant.

When will our relationship change to the child parenting the parent?

It doesn’t feel right to say, because aging is natural, we all go through it, and my feelings almost seem selfish. I’ve heard from many people that this time in our lives can be one of the most challenging. As parents age, they transition to being the people we go to for everything, to someone we must carefully curate life for. You can’t always discuss the same things and often need to step in to support with major decisions or daily life. You have to take everything you’ve learned about parenting from them, and apply it to how you approach your new role as a caregiver.

When this happens, there is nothing to do but take it as it comes and appreciate the past. It’s one of those instances that seems like living in the past is easier than the present. I’m scared for this time, because I’m not ready for the relationship with my mother to change. But we rarely ever are ready for our new roles in life. 

The challenge is viewing this next step for my mother as an improvement in our relationship and her quality of life, while not being held to my fear that this marks the beginning of the end, no matter how far away that is. It may seem pessimistic to look at life from this angle, but I’d rather know what to expect and fully appreciate every moment with my mom than expect it to never end because I can’t allow myself to face reality.

For those of you who’ve had aging parents, what is one piece of advice that you wish you’d known before you stepped into this new chapter of life? What can those of us headed into this time of our lives take with us to ensure the time with our parents is filled with no regrets? Put the advice on the Instagram post below to give others going through this season some insight they can lean into.

If you only pause to reflect on your life for one moment today, do it now.

It’s always easy to tell someone not to take things for granted; it’s another thing to take the advice ourselves. With Fall on the horizon (I know, I also don’t want to think about it), things are going to change; who you see and when you see them might adjust. Are you ready?

Your turn! Journal your answer, or if you find yourself sharing the progress of your Great Things on social, tag me at @greatthingswith_adrian so I can join in on cheering you along!

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