Happy Wednesday!

With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, I felt it was a relevant time to share my thoughts on fatherhood. I’ve had some great father figures in my life who have influenced something I’ve dreamed about becoming. But maybe being a father figure will look different for me?

Like anything worthwhile, we know that…

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Am I meant to be a father?

This question is based on my own relationship with becoming a father. Remove a partner, biology, adoption, or all the other ways one can become a parent from this equation, because this question to me isn’t about CAN I be a father, it’s HOW that will look for me.

Since I can remember, I’ve always wanted to be a dad. It’s something I’ve felt passionate about and have always made a mental bookmark that chapters of my life will be dedicated to parenthood. To me, one of the greatest things you can do is to be a parent. While not everyone wants to be one, I admire the love and care I’ve witnessed fathers in my life show their children. All the messy, exhausting, beautiful, fun, heartwarming, and challenging moments I’ve seen my friends go through, I’ve planned to have in my life.

But recently that’s changed. I’ve started to let go of that dream and put it on hold, allowing myself to grieve something that was only ever an idea.

At this point in my life, I know I could father a child and provide for them; they’d have what they needed in life, but I don’t believe I could truly be a dad and provide them with the love and value I think they deserve. Not like the love I was so lucky to receive from my dad.

For those of you wondering, this is my dad, Bobby, and no, he is not my biological dad. Further proof to me that you don’t have to be a bio dad to someone to be the best dad out there, a real father. I hate to use the term “step-father” because it feels loaded, when in my experience, my step-father fulfilled everything I could ever want from a dad.

 My biological dad left at a young age, and I never really dug into why. To me, that wasn’t an important story I needed to investigate because the role of my dad was filled by Bobby. Why go digging up things that didn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things? Sure, not having a relationship with my biodad stings, but I got so much from my step-father. I call him Dad, because that’s what he was to me. 

Bobby (Dad) was a sanitation worker who was super straightforward and blunt. He always told us that we should work hard in a union job to provide for our families and have the security that comes from a pension and benefits. My dad was also always present. Because of his schedule, he’d pick us up from school, or take us to Applebees, or another fun outing. He was able to be there for my track practices or to take my friends and me to the arcade.

Shoutout to DSNY for giving my dad a great schedule so he wasn’t a trash dad. (See what I did there?)

My dad was ever-present and always there to have a deep conversation about the things going on in our lives or how we could improve. He modeled what I believe was true manhood and always stood up for us when racist comments were made about our family. He was funny, loved to sing Wade in the Water at the top of his lungs to embarrass us, and showed my mother so much love and respect.

I have those experiences, and then I also see how my brother parents and I want fatherhood for myself.

Like our dad, my brother has so much pride in being a father. He is patient and kind, but balances it well with being stern when it’s needed. His two boys are so loved and cared for, which manifests in them being sweet and caring with everyone, something that makes me melt. 

My brother says the oldest of his two, Phoenix, reminds him of me as a child in the way he acts. To me, Phoenix looks just like my brother as a boy. It’s a total mind-fuck to see your brother holding his child who looks like how you remember him as a young boy, and then that boy, who you see resemblances of yourself in, showing you so much love. 

Zen, the youngest, will hold my head in his hands and tell me he loves me. Normally, the tough child, he gives me love in ways I could never have imagined. I want what my brother has with my own children, but I know that I still get to experience parts of this through my nephews and will receive an abundance of love from them.

The last time I was in California visiting them, I was brought to tears by the love I had for them and the way they filled my heart up, and that was just at karate. Imagine what I’m going to be like at graduations and birthdays.

Someone grab a mop for Uncle Momo! He’s turned into a puddle of tears!

Seeing how my brother and dad showed up shines a light on what I wouldn’t be able to give as a father. The work for my career is compounding, and I don’t see myself being able to take on fatherhood to the level I want.

So ultimately, I’ve landed on the feeling of, if it happens, it happens. This is not to be flippant or to throw in the towel; I just feel that I don’t need to make decisions because what will happen will happen. Where kids are involved, I want to be a positive influence on their lives, to give them the best parts of my childhood, but also the life that I didn’t have. Maybe this is meant to happen by someone calling me ‘Dad,’ or maybe Uncle Momo will be the closest I’ll get. Adoption, an “Uncle” to my friends’ kids, step-kids, the list of possibilities goes on, each one can still give me that positive influence I desire.

Traditionality says you’re married in your 20s/30s, then comes the house, then a family by 35. But the world doesn’t look the same as it did 40 years ago, and I don’t think I think the same as people did in that time. I don’t want to have kids just because it’s what you’re supposed to do. Untraditionality may bring me what I long for, it just doesn’t look the same as it does for someone else.

These conversations I’m having with myself are just about where I am in my life currently. Maybe I’m missing out, but I guess you can’t miss what you don’t have. Although if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that you can plan all you want, but in the end, it doesn’t matter; you can’t reject what’s meant to be. 

This journey of mine is far from complete, and even farther from clarity. I have to be okay with plenty of unanswered questions and a path that will reveal itself when the time is right. Situations like these are complicated Great Things; they aren’t built on a clear path forward. Working harder, smarter, or more dedicated doesn’t always mean a desired outcome. It just means that every day is a new chance to seek out the things that make me happy instead of waiting for the big moment that might never come. It’s a lesson in appreciating the moment and living in the present because that’s all that is really guaranteed.

So I guess the question is whether I will be a dad, a papa, a father, an uncle, a friend, or a zaddy? (Kidding on that last one.) Your guess is as good as mine. But right now, I can guarantee to you that I’m Adrian Williams, and I’m still working on myself to be ready for if and when the time comes to take on any of those titles.

If you only pause to reflect on your life for one moment today, do it now.

Being a father figure is a Great Thing that may look different than I once expected. For years, I pictured a specific path, a specific outcome, a specific role. But life has a way of rewriting our plans. Sometimes the dream remains the same while the form it takes changes entirely. Nothing has been set in stone, so all of this could end up being irrelevant. Grieving for no reason.

Your turn! Journal your answer, or if you find yourself sharing the progress of your Great Things on social, tag me at @greatthingswith_adrian so I can join in on cheering you along!

Because no matter what, there is always something to smile about.

The Peloton x lululemon Members Weekend. It brings me so much joy to get to be face to face with you all in person, especially if I get to participate in a little bit of shopping.

As always, these machines put a grin on my face.

Clockwise from top L-R: Ferrari 355 By Evoluto, my E46 parked outside of Peloton, GuntherWerks Orange Porsche, and a Kimera at the New Cannan car show.

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